Lil SiS

I woke up today feeling like my heart is smashed a thousand times. the pain was top much that even i cried during my sleep. when i opened my eyes, i could still feel my heart aching. and i wondered to myself, what does this mean? what does my dream wanted to tell me?

the dream started out with me spending a day in a house unfamiliar to me. it was in the province that’s for sure, cause it was surrounded by trees and the wind was cold. While i was there, i was visited with two friends, both were girls. We talked, joked and laughed til from one of the rooms came out another girl. It was the one I called “lil sis”. At first i wondered why she was there in the house with me, and i realized, that the house was her’s not mine. I was also visiting the place or her, and these two girls where both her friends, as i have known.

Then the heartache began, I saw pics of her and her new found comfort all over the place, i don’t know why, but those pictures seemed to be so painful for me to see. She started hiding the pictures, but one of her friends saw what she was trying to hide, and that friend of her turned to me an asked me, WHY? i was suddenly awaken by the reality. am i a masochist for being nice to her after everything she has ever done to me? did she deserved to be treated as such by me? is she still worthy to be called my “lil sis”?

Guess she was right when she told me that both of us will be happy, soon, though not today or the days after, but as soon as we are able to accept everything as it is and we are willing to forgive each other for everything.

Guess forgiveness seems to be something i haven’t given to her nor to myself as much as i wanted to.

House

Its been quite awhile now since i first watched my first episode of HOUSE. At first I was just curious about the TV Series. And to my surprise, I found it very interesting, even though i don’t have any medical knowledge. I sometimes laugh at myself, pretending to understand every damn medical terms they spoke of. Maybe it’s the mysterious cases that House takes every episode that makes the series interesting. Or maybe its his so called “TEAM” of doctors, that adds colors to such a colorful character already that House is. Or maybe simply it is because of House. You see, House is such an interesting character to begin with, a doctor, a very good one, but you don’t see him often wearing those white coats, he limps on his right leg, carrying a cane always. He loves puzzles more than anything, but i love the way he looks at his life and the people surrounding him. He insults, yet, he saves lives. He doubts if God truly exists and seem to feel the same way about happiness. He is selfish, yet you can learn lots from him. He is arrogant, yet you just can’t seem not to love with the character itself. He is unique in every way, he risks lives, insensitive most of the times. Despite such serious atmosphere, he always finds a way to make the viewers giggle. He is a mess and yet he is able to bring out the best in everyone. He plays the piano and the guitar. He is addicted to vicodin. He ain’t romantic but when he falls in love, it is a moment you wouldn’t want to miss. Nice words are rare coming out of his mouth but when he speaks, you better listen well.

What more can I ask, in such a near perfect character? 7 seasons has passed and the 8th one has just began. hat’s off to everyone behind the TV series. To those of you who haven’t watched it, give it a try. Maybe you will understand why i am such a big fan.

“Everyone Lie’s”, a line i heard from House, which is very true.

House’s first episode was on November 16, 2004…My 23rd birthday…

Ramon

the weather nowadays is so unpredictable, for the past weeks, the Philippines experienced typhoons which did most of its damage and wrecking on the northern part of the country. leaving provinces flooded for weeks.

October 11, 2011, a new typhoon named Ramon is moving on the northeast side of Mindanao, which will pass by Cebu as it moves up north. I was to go somewhere today, follow up on something important. But my plans changed, there was a never ending rain shower. A flooded street was inevitable. So I stayed home, did some work, and read some news updates on the net. Our Television was dead by the way, perfect timing huh?

expecting a cold evening tonight, hopefully, “RAMON” won’t do much damage. He is expected to hit land tomorrow, assuming PAG-ASA is right.

i went out for a walk around 10 pm, it was indeed very cold, had to wear a jacket. there was a strong wind, as the trees that i passed by seem to sway stronger and stronger each minute. after an hour i decided to go back home, when suddenly, it rained, the wind became stronger and the streets began to get flooded. i went home soaked. i realized, that the typhoon was still far out in the ocean, and what happened tonight, was just a preview of what was expected for tomorrow’s event. Ramon will finally be here, and he is knocking on our doors in a very strong manner.

Can’t Be Moved

almost a year has passed since i got my heart broken, and still i haven’t fixed myself yet. An aching feeling still lingers in my heart and a shroud of doubt still hovers over me. it made me wonder if i would be able to get my life back on the right track again. many days i felt so alone. and in those days i just felt like crying. yes, i still cry, though my tears are rare. i cry for myself, everyday i look at myself in the mirror, and see a person i no longer know. a person who has nothing in his life, a person who is left with nothing but pain in his heart. when will i ever be free of this? when will GOD hear my prayers? is the time not right yet? is there something more that i still need to know, understand and learn. so many questions, so little time. everyone is passing by, smiling, laughing and enjoying their lives, while i stand aloft, not taking a step forward nor backward. i may be a man who can’t be moved, but for what reasons, i still don’t know. there are people who cares, but those people that matters, seem not to care at all. GOD! what do i need to do? what must i do? am i not deserving of a better life? am i not deserving of wonderful future? or maybe yet, am i not deserving of LOVE? why must LOVE be a big part of me as a person? wish i was not me, wish i was not the person i am today…

reaquainted….

it was a hot thursday afternoon when i received a call from an unexpected caller. she asked me how i was and what i was doing and continued to say that she will be in ubec later that day. her flight was delayed for 3 hours and she asked me if i could met up with her…and i was left after the call, wandering….what should i do? should i go and see her? am i ready to see her?

history:

this friend of mine broke my heart into a million pieces, i was left clinging for my dear life, gasping for love, like it was air that i breathed. it changed my life, it changed me, now 7 months after, i dont know if i am healed enough and strong enough to face her.

the present:

i asked a close friend on what decision should i be siding on. she told me things that pushed me to do what is necessary rather than what made sense that time. 6pm….i prepared myself for my long journey from home to the airport, i walked from my place all the way to Colon street and took a jeepney there going to the sea port. i decided to take the more faster and peaceful means of travelling going to the airport, and it was with the ferry boat. there i was pondering on what should i say first or if i would be able to say anything at all. i looked out through the dark mactan sea, and there was this calmness on its wave. and it gave me peace in mind and in heart. unknowingly, i was already smiling.

when i arrived on mactan’s side of the island, i began to walk, rather than take a jeepney going near the airport. i walked for almost an hour, listening to music and thinking of everything. the pain, the memories, and the expectations on seeing her again. i felt no stress on my legs while i walked and i smiled to every person that i met along the way.

i arrived a bit early at the airport. i took a seat and pulled out the book that was on my bag that day, Haruki Murakami’s “Norwegian Wood”. While sitting on this old blue chair, i read the book. and it was this book that inspired to write this blog in this manner. minutes passed and i seemed to have forgotten why i was there in the first place. then i felt my phone vibrating on my pocket, i took it out, guess who was on the other line calling me? it was her…my dearest friend….when i answered she laughed and told me that she was right in front of me and that she was happy to see me. i looked around and had no sight of her. she gave me exact clear instructions, stand up, and look to your right and see beyond the chairs…..and there she was, hiding her face on this small little black cap, and very long curly hair…i stood there for awhile, stared at her, this is the moment of truth, and i was to find out how different things will be….she was wearing that “name heart cebu” shirt that we both used to have. i slid the book back in my bag and gently walk towards her, as i came closer and closer, her smile became clearer, and when i stood in front of her, she opened her arms and gave me a big hug….i closed my eyes, and i felt like crying…here i was hugged by the same person who broke my heart….

the words that came rushing in my mind after that hug was the least of all the things that i expected to say, “thank you”. all these months i long for someone to hug me so dearly and genuinely and yet no one seems to understand my needs and actually give it to me.

after the hug, we exchanged smiles and walked right up the stairs and took the cab. on the cab, i asked her where we were heading to. and she said that she would be staying on a hotel or an inn just for the night, and that she had no plans to go home and let her parents know that she was already in ubec. i asked her “why?” and she answered, “i wanted to spend some time alone with you, there are lots of things that you and i need to talk about”…after 30 minutes or so, we arrived on the inn she planned to stay, on the front desk i overheard her saying that she was looking for a room for two, so i carefully tap her on the shoulders and whispered to her that i wont be staying, she asked me, “even just for the night?”…i answered,” i don’t think that would be a good idea” and she just smiled…

the bell boy took her bags and accompanied us towards the room, when the door opened, there were two beds and a lampshade in the middle, an empty wooden cabinet bigger and wider than me, and a 16 inch tv. i thanked the bell boy for helping me carry her bags and off he goes…since she arrived, it was only within this four cornered wall that the feeling of awkwardness seemed to engulf both of us…we had a little chit chat and a little laugh, then she decided to have dinner somewhere, i told her eat something that you missed the most on ubec, so i brought her to a place in JY where we used to eat, the pungko2x corner across JY Mall. while we were eating, we rekindled old memories, both the good ones and the painful ones. But there was something about the way she handles herself that seems to give off signals that she d0esnt want to talk anything about what she did nor how is she and her new found comfort is nowadays. and more questions were asked than answered, the place that we are eating at were playing old love songs and we sometimes laugh at the songs that we heard. we jokingly remind each other of how we used to treat each other. all in all, it was a simple yet a great dinner…

after an hour, we paid the bills and decided to go to Mountain View where this year’s reggae feast was celebrated. It was a cold night and the moon is shining brightly at that time. we took a habal2x ride from jy. the air was brushing against our skin. it was cold as ice, i was next to the driver and she was seated behind me. during the ride, she would slowly wrap her arms around me. and would sometimes give my shoulder a kiss. i could hear her faint voice in my ears, speaking of what was and what used to be. the habal2x ran fast and swiftly as expected. but all of it will soon change. a taxi was in front of us while we were heading up to Mountain View, it was blocking our way, so our driver tried to find ways to overtake it, but as we were t0 do so, the taxi inadvertently turned to the side where our habal2x was, there was no signal nor any hint that he would do so. i knew for a fact that it would hit us if it continues, i calmly but as fast as i could think of ways to prevent us from getting badly injured. i mean it was going to happen, might as well find ways to minimize the damage. the taxi was an inch closer to our habal2x ride, i could feel her, grabbing my arms and waist so tightly, getting ready for the impact, while i was looking at the road and trying to figure it out where we would take the fall, i could hear the swerving tires and our driver getting surprised of what was going to happen. luckily the taxi driver put his foot on the breaks. it was a close call. a very close one indeed. we continued to our destination with a  new sense of urgency to safety. then we arrived at Mountain View, we could hear the reggae music playing just over the hill. we had a short trek. we talked about how we used to go there, to play pingpong, to see the view and just chill. it was nice to see her laughing again and remembering the old days, but, those were the days that we could no longer go back to. we stayed there for awhile, looked around and had a short conversation. then she decided to go back to the inn and rest.

when we arrived at the inn, she gently opens the door and we both walk inside. the room was cold and very quite. she turned to me and said, “can you stay with me?”. what was i supposed to do? i could’nt just leave her there alone. i mean it would be un-gentleman-like for me. i weigh my choices before deciding.

to be continued….

believe….

how do you know that you finally moved on? is there a sign? is there someone out there who is gonna tell you on the face? or you JUST SIMPLY KNOW?

many times since the break up that i thought i already have moved on. everything seem slowly falling back into place. i felt happy and i felt like a new man. but then a day came when suddenly, doubts came rushing back in. grrrrrrr!

it was a day i really wished never came. i mean just when you thought that it was over, then you get slapped on the face with the reality that you never really took a single step to move forward. damn those who made me feel this way, but that was the problem on the first place. i didn’t have a clue why i felt that way, what and who made me feel this way. whew! this is getting way too complicated. its been months now and still my life is on halt. i thank those haughty people for reminding me always of the painful truth. in a way they pushed me a little each day to move forward. but when? when will these awfull feelings disappear? i wish it would be tomorrow or the day after….i wish….

coz if it doesn’t, the day might come that i would become anhedonic. numbed from everything that has ever happened to me. i need to grow up and avoid regressing. i need to believe that this time i could finally move forward with no hesitation.

the CHOICE…..

To be decieved or not, it has always been our choice. And the funny thing about this is that, we sometimes choose to be blind. We only see, what we wanted to see. We only hear what we wanted to hear. We only feel what we wanted to feel. For the past days, i have seen this on almost all of my friends. and for the past days, a question lingered on my mind. “COULD IT BE?” that even I was part of  this whole JOKE. Though it worries me, I smile. Coz unlike most people, i always did knew that i always did have a CHOICE

to TRUST…..

Is it foolish of me to continue to trust people after everything that I had experienced?  or would it be more foolish of me to not give people the benefit of the doubt. You see, with me, I trust people right away, I know that within us there is this dark side that hides behind the smiling faces and comforting words of everyone. It has always been everyone’s nature to act or pretend to be whom they are not, to blend in or to be accepted as part of the whole gang. And I always did see the better side of everyone. No matter how inexcusable they may be for doing things that not everyone agrees on.

My Heart Unmasked

blindy this heart will trust

for no reasons it feels it must

not even i who owns it can explain

why foolishly it endures so much pain

 

i want to give up and be free of it

live a normal life that i see fit

but things happens for a reason….so they say

i wished those reasons can wash…my tears away

 

 

they say one day you will just smile

but that day seems for me….would take awhile

for my life is no walk in the park

being in a path that is dim and dark

 

“save me!” i scream out loud

for i don’t want to be in this doubtful shroud

a single hope is all i asked

to keep this heart from wearing a mask

 

-ice03222011 @3:40AM

Original Song (2)

Like One

i cant believe im in this fuck up world
so full of lies and so im told
im chasing dreams until im fold
need to learn how to survive

im seeing kids laying there
in the streets where people stare
we choose to love but not to share
wake up and stand up for whats right

refrain:
so come back to reality where we can make a change
and be a part of those who we call as saints
so tell me now whats in your mind, and where you feel you stand
i wont take no for an answer

chorus:
we’ve been living, life worth risking
aint it funny, we’re not blind but we act like one
turned our heads when, someones screaming
they aint faking, we’re the one that acted like one

questions linger in my mind
to lead or be left behind
felt the need to stay in line
would follow even a crooked one

(refrain)
(chorus)

acted like one(3x)

so come back to reality where we can make a change
and be a part of those who we call as saints….

(chorus)